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Post by DownByTheRiver on Fri Apr 27, 2018 10:51 pm

As with previous blogs I've wrote I'm going to put a trigger warning on this..

I'm not a professional, but im we'll aware that the context of what you are about to read could be upsetting and distressing for some readers.

Please only read on if you feel you are able to. Please think of your own wellbeing first. Thank you.

Suicidal ..

The word suicidal is not one that can be ignored in anyway at all ( and no before you contniue reading I'm not suicidal at all)

I don't know how clear I can make it when I make this point. A person who has got to the point in their lives where they have became suicidal is not an act of " attention seeking" it's an act of how difficult things have got for them.

To get to the point of where you are feeling like this and then asking for help takes a hell of a lot of bravery and courage '.

People often wonder where the stigma surrounding 'mental health" comes from, I'm going to attempt to write this in a way that will hopefully try get others thinking about how they come across when dealing with someone in this situation.

I'm going use my own personal experience to explain

The very first time i was in mental health crisis, I had no idea what was happening to me, I was like everything came crashing down on me, I was experiencing thoughts and feelings I had never experienced before. I was having these distressing unwanted thoughts, some of the thoughts turned to actual images. Ones I didn't want to see.

I was petrified , alone, scared it was dark and no matter where I looked all I could see was myself hanging from trees of jumping of bridges.

It was horrible. I didn't know what to do. I closed my eyes and yet these images where still there. I never experienced anything like this before in my life and every second felt like a life time. I couldn't deal with this myself. What was I meant to do? I couldn't handle it any longer. Picking up the phone was the hardest part, took me about 4 times before i eventually could say ' hello " to the person on the other end of the phone. Telling a complete stranger what was going on for me at that time was difficult as I couldn't understand it, my head was throbbing, my mouth was dry no matter where I looked in the house it was these unwanted images. The words on the other end of the phone "don't worry love, you'll be fine.we will send out a nurse with some medication take one of those and get yourself off to bed and try and sleep"

I trusted this nurse on the other end of the phone, she was right wasn't she? I was going to be ok?

So I thought.

Even after taken the medication this didn't help at all. The thoughts and feeling were becoming more and more frequent, I was scared.

Picking up the phone again and telling someone else the background and that these tablets weren't helping was horrible. I felt numb wrapping myself up under my blanket and stayed their someone else on the phone telling me i was going to be ok.

This was when eveything got bad for me... and this is where I'm hoping that i can try explain what I didn't want to happen ...

I sat hugging my knees. Sobbing, scared. I didn't know what was happening.

What happened next only made me worse..

' nearly 4 am in the morning and my door bells rings, followed by a knock at the door. What was going on?

I always go to the door and ask who's there before opening... It's been a force of habit since a young age.

'It's the police! Was the response I got.

What? Why? Unlocking the door and seen 2 male officers stood on my door step . No no no door got reshut and locked.

I sat down and broke down sobbing. Crying.

I didn't want them here, why where they even at the house. I hadn't called them I didn't ask for them, no one told me they were coming.

I heard one of them on the radio saying I wasn't opening the door and that I was distressed and quite upset. One of the officers knelt at the door and tried to engage in conversation with me, he said he needed to make sure I was ok.

I tried saying yes just to go away and leave me alone. Eventually after 20 mins I had no option but to let them in as they said they'd have to kick my door in. This certainly not what i wanted but i also did not want the police at my house either.

I sat curled up wrapped in my blanket crying, there was nothing I could say. I couldn't even tell them my full name when i was asked for it.

I just kept seen myself on these horrible places. I knew at this point I needed to get out I needed them out my house,they weren't going anywhere though.

I'm going get myself into trouble here, I know I am kept going round in my head. Look at what you've done. Your been a horrible person and they don't deserve you been silent.

They sat,they saw me at my worst. They offered to make me a hotdrink. They did eveything they possibly could.

He told me that my phone call to nhs24 has raised some concerns.

It still didn't make sense as to why these officers were now sat in my front room trying to calm me down and get me to engage in some kind of conversation with them.

I was in this dark place, I was seen myself hurting myself I felt lost. Eveything this officer was trying to tell me I had no idea what was been said. What was happening. I felt trapped felt alone. I felt i was taken up to much of their time. I wanted them to leave I asked them to leave. They explained they couldn't leave me like this.

I remember a doctor coming in and leaving she didn't stay long. But these officers where still here. Why?

Eventually after a good few hours with me trying to calm me down and make me feel safe I eventually found the courage to say 'sorry that is when I was told

You have nothing to be sorry for,we are here to help you, we might not be medically trained but we are here because you do need some extra help, we can only listen. We have called for a female officer to come aswell. We can see that us been here is making you more distressed and we want to help as much as we can and make you feel comfortable.

Yes that may be the case but why nearly 2 hours later Have yous made this decisions? Why not before? I was in no position to ask these questions ( only now I ask myself these ones)

More officers came not just one or 2 but there must been about 6 officers in my home at once. I can hear you all now saying woow far to many, there was not a mental health team available to help me at this time.

A female officer sat next to me and reasured me that

1 . They were only here to help.

2. They were doing their job.

3. They were literally stuck themselves as to what to do because of the time it was.

4. She wanted me to be safe.

Nearly 5 hours later, a decision was made to eventually take me to hospital. I was not in the frame of mind to argue with anyone or was I in the right frame of mind to even make decisions for myself.

The whole situation for me was distressing.

For an officer this must been frustrating, I know your only doing your job. The patience the officers shown that morning was just in fact there simply is no words.

As a person who's been in mental health crisis.

Id ask each and everyone who has to deal with these incidents, to step back and look at a few things

How would you expect to be spoken to if this was you?
I'd ask yous to be patient,understand. Reassurance. Explain yourself. Explain as soon as you arrive on scene exactly what yous are doing.
We have done nothing wrong. We are human that have reached a crisis point in life.
A reminder is often needed aswell in fact a few reminders.
That yous are here to help,
By measuring us this helps build up this trust with us,for us to be more open and know that we are safe.
A reminder
Quite often I sit back and here people bad mouth our emergencey services,but for me I can't thank them enough.

Realising that behind the uniform their is an ordinary person in their too, that are taken themselves off to do their job,

There individuals that have been sent to a job they have no idea what they are going to come face to face with,walking into any situation, especially a situation like this. Knowing that they can make a difference by offering just to listen. It can make a massive difference. To see someone at their lowest, without the support I could not off become the person I have become today.

I can't really put into words how greatful that i am but i am greatful truelly greatful..

On that note thank you.....


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Post by GoldenGoose on Sat Apr 28, 2018 8:25 am

What a touching and important read!!

Thank you so much

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Post by BrexitBob on Sat Apr 28, 2018 12:18 pm

Amazing blog! So brave xx


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